Today's Teen in Society... 

This page has generated some interesting e-mail... most of it positive. Apparently, everyone knows someone who this describes, and those people don't know how to send e-mail anyway. If you're about to blast me with a nasty email, read it all first.

Let me remind you: I don't think all teens are like this, and here's a little secret: there have always been people like this, and always will be. I just believe that either the percentage of selfish ignorant people is slightly higher in the current generation, or this behavior is considered more "acceptable" now where before it was less so.

Now, on with the original page:

Teens Today? Nah, that's what my parents used to say.

I'm in my 30's. It may actually surprise some people, but that isn't old. I'm only a few years from my 20's, an age I was at quite recently. Nothing is wrong with my memory, and I recall everything that happened those few years ago, just as you might recall what happened a few months ago. I've noticed lately a particularly bad attitude in many of today's young people. Here are some guidelines for those of you who, in trying to keep up, have missed what is required to be a teen in today's society:

1. Anyone older than you who isn't wealthy, or isn't at least as well off as your yuppie parents is a loser. You will never have any problems in your life, you will never get burned on a business deal or otherwise screwed, nor will you ever make a mistake. Make sure you tell the affected person, since they really need to know that you think they are a loser. (Definition: "Yuppie" - people who make FAR more money than they are actually worth. Typically applied to lawyers, stock brokers, high-volume salespeople, or other such bottom-feeders. Often used in the politically correct and accurate phrase "yuppie-scum").
2. Nothing older than your memory is in any way valid. 5 year old cars are junk, 10 year old music sucks, tools, houses, toys, stereos, computer equipment, anything old is trash. As in the above rule, make sure the owner knows that their stuff sucks. This is important! Even when the owner demonstrates that their stuff is as good as (or better than) anything new, assume they're an idiot. Don't forget to tell them so.
3. The more annoying the music you listen to, the better it must be. Of course, it wouldn't ever occur to you that preceding generations had the same attitude, because they're all old and just couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be your age. Make sure that your shitbox car has a $10,000 stereo to annoy everyone else with, and make sure you have it stolen at least once to increase everyone else's insurance rates.
4. Performance, longevity, and carrying capacity are meaningless in the selection of a vehicle. Get one that looks good in your eyes. Modify it, because stock sucks. Hack the springs, blacken the windows, add the stupid exhaust tip, and goop stickers all across it. Can't drive down the road without scraping the bottom? Great! And while we're at it, make sure your yuppie parents buy you the most expensive import around for your lame-ass modifications, because that's what they're there for.
5. Being part of the "self-esteem" generation must be great! There is nothing you can't do! The fact that virtually everything being done by your age group is total crap shouldn't slow you down in any way. You control the music industry (while stealing music clips from the past), the movie industry (by making totally improbable and moronic movies the most popular), the gaming industry (because only bloody gory death makes a fun game), and are even affecting the automotive industry (by demanding stupid colors and making useless "poser" import cars so popular). Make sure you completely invalidate everything that came before, because it all sucks. Don't worry about things like spelling, grammar, being in tune, drawing straight lines, fixing bugs in your software, or the fact that some things just wouldn't happen. Details are for losers!
6. Consequences? What the hell are those? I do what I feel like, and I don't care if it kills me because anyone who lives past 30 is a loser. Look at Jim Morrison, Janice Joplin, Marilyn Munroe, Kurt Cobain, and any number of other "heros" who lived life to the fullest while they were young. Drugs are cool, man. Drinking and driving only kills other people.
7. Make sure you stink. Perfume and cologne are expensive, so therefore you must wear as much as possible to demonstrate how amazingly cool you are. If your clothes smell like a mix of beer, pot, and cappucino, so much the better!
8. Have ludicrous political outlooks. "All politicians lie", "Everyone cheats on their spouse", "Clinton was right to lie because a gentleman shouldn't tell", "OJ didn't do it", "America should stay out of [country]", "The US government is evil", "Clinton is a useful member of society", "unrestricted immigration is a good thing", "the Gulf War was only about oil". Make sure everyone knows your views.
9. Any thought you have is profound, and must be immediately shared with everyone. Just keep your mouth open and spew forth whatever comes into your head, all day. Nobody else in the entire world has ever been as intelligent as you are right now. You could fix the entire world if your knowledge was only shared with society as a whole.

Now, of course this doesn't apply to everyone, but I'm sure you know someone like this. If you are under 24 but don't know anyone who the above describes, then get someone to hook you up with a mirror.

If you don't see anything wrong with the above attitudes, then you are an idiot. I hope you die young, and I hope it's a particularly painful and humiliating death. Hey, maybe you could be trapped under your Jeep when you roll it trying to keep up with my "old car", or do the amazingly stupid "hit a tree" trick with your Jetta or your dad's Acura. There's always "suicide by cop", or a drug overdose. But that's ok, you'll have plenty of time to think about it while you're in jail wondering what went wrong, and why your cell-mate keeps calling you "sweetheart".